Tuesday, August 28, 2007

24/08/2007

忘了多久没来了,时间何时溜跑了而我已停止去追了?一切都显得好陌生,仿佛我是唯一寂寞的灵魂,迷失在着这空间里,想不起为何来,为何感觉如此孤单?其实心并不沉重,却好疲惫,好累好累。。穿梭在一群陌生的脸孔,冲忙的脚步里似乎只有我是慵懒的。。看了一间又一间琳琅满目的店,却知道自己口袋连买一杯热腾腾的咖啡也没有。。机场的温度只有十六度。。而我身上白色的毛衣无法温暖我冰冷的身影,但说真的,我爱上了这种孤单。。没人认识我的地方,我显得更渺小了,什么也不是。。却是最真的自己。。不需为工作而忙碌,不用对着群众微笑,不需对自己负责。。
上不到线,这里的maxis也无法转换到singtel。。我与世隔绝了。。。看了一场足球赛,找了一个不错的地方睡了一阵子,却不停的醒来。。二时许,电视波着一部儿童戏,3 时许,一位陌生的男人睡在距离我不到0.2米以上。。第一次与陌生人睡在一起的感觉很奇妙。。让我想起“神啊,请给我多一点时间”里的深田工子和金城武,一部援助交际而患上爱滋的故事。我的第一部日剧。四时许,我冷醒了。。像一个孤魂野鬼独自一个人走着。。好累。。。好捆。。。走到了一个不太冷的空间,其实就是上网的地方,把三张椅子平排着睡着了。。6时许,被一位来上网的外国伯伯吵醒了。。原来已有好多人围着我上网。。哈!好瘀。。=)
上机了。。。挂念我的朋友们。。我们网上见吧!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

22/08/07's 特别的事

今天最特别的事应该就是晚餐吧。。与194公分的篮球偶像吃饭,如果不是因为幸运,那就是老天的脑子绣透了,才忙中有错的制造了这个机会。。该说机会吗?嗯。。机会似乎听起来有点肤浅,也可能夹着令人误解的意思,但这算是一个机缘,可以认识一位不错的朋友=)其实心情还蛮复杂的。。因为运动的关系,所以他脸庞的骨被撞裂了。。很心寒呐。。希望红肿的脸不会太疼痛了=(。。那种不方便的滋味,我是可以明白的。。吃饭的不便,睡觉时的不便,穿衣时的不便,不能开怀大笑,不能说得太起劲,不能走得太快,总之不能让脸上的肌肉摇晃,动荡得太厉害,但是乎自己帮不上什么忙,也无法让他开心一点点,分担更别说了。。=(。。两条平行线上的两个人,一个转弯,至少碰面也好,嘘寒问暖也好,深交或檫肩而过。。这种缘分,至少对我来说不会像罐头般有保鲜期。。今晚该好好的祈祷感谢上帝,也衷心的希望这位善良的朋友可以早日康复,没有避忌,没有诫口的吃着他喜爱的salmon sushi,加油了!

Insonmia




Last night was painful.Toss and turn for 3 hours and failed to put myself into sleep...not sure what happen but it just happened. I must say I hate insonmia, especially when you know you need to force yourself to wake up early in the morning the next day.Conciously, I know I have imbued with some thinking, but I couldnt patch them all together. A galore of thoughts but yet, everything looks ambiguos, puzzled and vague.
Close eyes, thinking....opened eyes..thinking...it seems like a vicious cycle. Round and round and round...I sat up, opened my laptop and chatted a bit..but it exacerbated the situation as it kept me awake and bouncy....like ppl just taken drug. I know it is prevalent symptom when you have some thinking in mind, worries and things like that..but not at this moment..pls.
I prayed and hopefully God could forgive me for who I am and dont give me any mind intrusion in the middle of the night..2-3am to be exact.
Today is apparently a panda's day..but what kept me alive is the fact that 11 of the mount kk conquerers are coming back today. Some of them message me right after they reached PG airport and it does make my day as Im remembered. :)...looking forward to see them tomolo and I would surely remember to give some of them a big bear hug!welcome home pals...it has been so so so quiet without the laughters, companion in this cold and isolated lab space....even I felt that the coastal highway that I used everyday was less suffered with jam, and the intel carpark becomes so spacious without you guys here...=(..Nothing give me this complacency on seeing the familiar faces tomorrow..dun get me out from the topic when you guys are sharing the experience in kk...but pull me in...I dun mind to be teased for being a coward in you guys conversation.. :) ...

Monday, August 20, 2007

飞扬。。

我轻轻的舞着,在静谧的天堂这中,
天使们投射过来的异样眼光,
诧异也好,欣赏也罢,
并不曾是我的脚步凌乱,
因为令我飞扬的,不是天使们的目光,
而是我的年轻。
******************************************************************
她踮着脚尖,轻轻掀起稍长的裙角,
像只彩色蝴蝶般,跳蹦在池上的平石上,
笑声有如麦当劳那香脆的薯条般令人垂涎。。
年轻似乎就是天生属于她.
忧愁太远,尘世的悲哀与复杂,
都不及一双天真的明眸,
说她幸运也罢,单纯也罢,
或许让她美丽的不是那个躯壳, 确是一颗你不了解的心。。。

开心策划书

今天终于赶完了手上的策划书,第一次做这样科技性的策划书,老实说,真的是折腾死我了。但努力也是为了最后的满足。。所以现在的我很满足。仿佛又长大了一岁。。呵呵。这是一本开心策划书吧,策划着我的将来,策划着前方的坎平大道,策划着我的信心和进步,策划着我对这份工的热诚及认知。。这可是呕心肺血之作啊!殊不知我可是推了多少约会,善尽了喝茶,大费口水之欢乐时光,慢慢的熬出了这份良策,却扩大了黑眼圈的战领地。。可悲可悲。。。。但是值得的。。希望可以过关了。。请让我脸上的豆豆变得有价值吧。。。(T_T)....

Saturday, August 18, 2007

单纯的快乐

人与人之间的化学作用,原来是可以以快乐来形容。。我不会忘了这份快乐感觉,因为或许明天的我也只能拥有怀念今天的权利。
开心的入眠原来也是件轻而易举的事吧。。=)

突然想起那十一位勇往哥打今那巴鲁爬山的朋友们,请原谅我临时放走的鸽子,谅解我不想拖累你们的决心,也可怜我那所剩无几的年假,少了你们在的工作岗位是乎也让我提不起工作的冲劲。。神游了一整天,脑子装得也只是沙巴的空气是否新鲜,内地人是否有善。。。。白日梦,消耗了我不少时间啊。。。。

Friday, August 17, 2007

晓蕾


手握着方向盘的昨夜,心思在又直有长的公路上漂到了那一天的我,同样的握着方向盘的那一天,同样的公路。。不同的是,心情变了,生活变了,感情变了,而自己也变了。。是好是坏,就像是一件无法被定义的事实。。至少是开心了。犹记得,那是一个星期五的傍晚,也正好是晓蕾离开大马的最后一天前夕,看着她下车,关门,渐渐在视线变小的身影,我试着微笑的告诉自己,我很好,没伤心,心里不难过。。晓蕾的出现虽然短暂,但感情的深厚,双方对彼此的心灵感应,是莫过于姐妹之间的血缘关系。开着车,故作开心的大声对唱着收音机播出的歌曲,但渐渐哽咽的声音出卖了我想掩饰的伤心,发热的眼眶按捺不住心里那莫名的失落,也撑不住一颗颗豆大的泪水,想起晓蕾最后一次的叮咛,“好好照顾自己,你身边没有人照顾你,以后你要好好的照顾自己”。。我知道我要痊愈,也知道自己一定要开心起来,但那一刻的我,仿佛看不见明天还会有快乐存在的机会。在那段短短的时间里,我失去了当时最重要的两个人,如何坚强?但答应过晓蕾的事,我会好好活下去。不会再让关心我的朋友担心我,会好好学着忘记,也会重新开始。没送什么给晓蕾,或许只想告诉自己下一个星期的礼拜一早晨,依然会看见那熟悉的笑脸告诉我“伽迦,你今天很甜哦!”,‘伽迦,忙吗",“伽迦,今天吃什么啊?”,“这个星期五吃什么了?”。。你总是在星期一就开始盘算星期五的午餐,你总是在我最丑的时候给我最伟大的信心,却在我最需要你的时候离开。不怪你,只因为我知道这次的你,需要我自己独立的学着成长。很想你,晓蕾。

Saturday, August 11, 2007

expect the unexpected

When you feel like you're leaving this certain period in your life you tend brace yourself for the impact. The impact of something totally uncertain and possibly foreign. You're psyching up yourself to expect the unexpected (i.e. The Worst), you try to futilely make some sort of feeble sense of the little information or knowledge of have of the what's-to-come. You struggle, perhaps. Not the sort of struggle that entails the clashing of fists and all that but maybe the sort of turmoil that happens in the heart and in the mind. Emotions that refuse to be understood. Thoughts that simply cannot rest. I guess biologically, that's how we were built. To be on our toes, to be alert, to be ready. But the question still lingers..."Be ready for what, exactly?" Ahhh, the anxiety and innate curiosity the future brings.
But maybe in that bracing of ourselves for the Unknown, we unconsciously try to take in every single detail, mercilessly try to cheat time to letting us savor the remaining certainty we have. I have many times tried to encapsulate my emotions, tried to hold on to memories, tried to breathe a little slower to take it all in. To take a single flash of a zillion happenings all in a brief moment. Too much to digest. The mind can only take in so much, unfortunately. Thank God, for technology.
Drawing a mental picture, it seems that you try to protect yourself from the looming Unknown but at same time, you render yourself utterly vulnerable by trying to take in everything. Unfiltered. So real. In motion. And there you are in middle of two seemingly opposing forces. And there you lay more perplexed. And that is how I feel. So overwhelmed. Like a tidal wave. That in one swift encompassing motion, stuns me. Drowning. An overkill.
Beautiful.
Free of regret.
And in processing everything that's happened, I've come up with fragmented happy pieces. And the giddy emotions and the vivid memory re-makes. But for sure, in my moment of drowning, in that moment of confusion and shock, I've learned to love even more, to give more generously, to live more passionately, to laugh even louder, smile more sincerely, and to hope unrelentingly because on my way to recovering those little bits and pieces, I've become someone I've never thought I could be at this point. More mature perhaps. But definitely, someone braver who'll face the Unknown with the knowlegde that I'm living the way I wanted to be.
In the middle of all this hum-drum, I'm happy I lost myself somewhere.
Tomorrow may be shit. But I've come too far, why stop?