Friday, February 29, 2008

Lunch

It is 12pm, favorite time to all my colleague and peers. And here i am, unloaded my thought again. I know D is going to ask me why i need to blog again. Is it so fun?yeah, it does. For me.=)
where heading to lunch? what to eat?who will come along?
sometimes I had a long list of lunch appointments that I was so troubled to make a choice, Same thing imply with choosing the life partner, the soulmate, you think you can choose because you are provided with a drop-down list. And when you have that luxury to choose, to pick and filter...inevitably it becomes a game, a fair game. I might sound a little bit sinister right now. But it is the reality of life, black and white. But on the other round, you might be one of the candidate in their picking list, to stay or leave,fail or succeed, it depend merely on your performance. Like I say, this is the cruelty in life.
(Meanwhile, let me take a temporary detachment from the reality)
I dont have many lunch dates today. But luckily i still have my pantry-milo-buddy, KY.
We met at L2 aisle and had a small chit chat along the way towards the pantry. I used to not so fond on having a cup of milo for lunch. I do feel lunch is a time where I could find a little time for myself and frens to gossip, to share, to laugh and to socialize. I would say everyday was the same schedule, same chores, same errands and same things over and over again. And it becomes a hum-drum that you treat it as a habit.
In retrospect, you will start to realize you could have that subtle changes in this mundane and perhaps, living a different life, having a different life challenge or feels the things that you never have chance to feel it, to try. This is a long long life, a long journey. And it becomes boring when you travel along the long journey with same speed, same gear, same gesture, same songs in your CD that keep playing repeatedly...again and again. And then, that is the moment when you longed for a break or doing something extraordinary, not that mundane. But something you do it alone. And it is the loneliness that you think you should get used with, to find yourself from the stuff that you fear of. And hopefully in that loneliness, you find a tad of fun, you search for the serenity, and you are just your unmask self.
And this is the moment of mine, a moment of silence and peace. And perhaps, I would go back to that little lunch gathering one day, in an unknown someday.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Journey

It starts with nothing, an empty scratch, a white paper, with nothing but dreams and hope. And slowly I painted it down with the memories. From small matter that makes me laugh, little thing that makes me angry, to the stuff that makes me sad, disappointed, happy and frown. They had, however, left me without the trace, today. I doubt of its existence. There are people that you just knew, and you wish to know them more, lavishing all the attention to them without shielding yourself from letting them to peep into your softness and see you nakedly. But after awhile, you hide in your shell, weep and wallow silently for things doesn't turn out to be fine and it is still far from what you expected. Then, you anxiously wish to see a subtle change in life, meanwhile, you started to make your assumption, you predict and you judge. And finally you decide.
I believe we never give people only ONE chance to prove themselves, nor 2 or 3..it needs lots and tons of chance til you finally know somebody, and yes, finally reaching the final chapter of ice breaking and get to know somebody. There are people that surprise you, people that makes you touched...loving you but you return with that little of love and also people that you love but what they can offer is aint enough. And when you come to that understanding, you finally decided to move on alone...continue searching for the next chapter of your life.
You cant undone what had happened, nor turning back time. You cant find excuse for all the wrong doing and you cant continuously giving chance for things that doesn't mean to change. You cant change people nor letting people to change you. It is just so wrong. Even if they change, it will only be temporary, and after you pour the hope, it fail you again.
Every journey has a beginning and will have an end. If you started something with hope and vision whole heartedly and if it doesnt turn your way, move on and step out boldly. Though you might step into the darkness of the night and you scarcely see the light. Just remember to trust the prospect of a brand new day, a new start,perhaps there is a magic awaiting somewhere behind the morning.

Monday, February 25, 2008

one lost day

I wish, somebody out there, could ever fly me to a safer place where I could bury my soul in peace. I remember every bits of myself in the past. If only move one step backward and I will be back, I could change the impossibilities, if only i open my eyes in the next morning, the fate is twisted.and I will go back and start everything over again. I wish to berate myself in everything that i do and plan to do, maybe i could be a better person? it is not by looking your reflection in the mirror and you telling yourself this is what I see for myself. I have that unhealthy inclination to hypnotize myself and telling myself, I am feeling good, to gulf down all the doubts and thinking positively on things...or maybe i am an escapist. Never been so lost before, maybe i used to but it had been a long while. All these while, Im like a cynic and an idealist. And when these 2 cancel each other off, it left me to nothing, i have no clue what to believe or not to believe anymore.
Even with the says that I bare in mind, If God put you into trials, be thankful as by the trial, you grow an inch everyday. Pain nourishes the courage..isnt this a blessing? but I do not want that. I do not like to be fake and embrace the possibilities that i would have pain.
The world seems to mad at me today including D, who never mad at me before..and yes, he is mad at me. Perhaps,this must be a mad day or....is there anything that is sane to me? For my ignorant, and for things that i care about. I wish to take it easy and positively. Dont ask me why i could possibly be so naive to see everyone as good person, to conceal the truth and think optimistically...it is just inherent in me. Or maybe this is the ambivalence in me that comes when i am older. I am 26 this year and I still do not know what I really want in life. Or maybe talked about the relationship, I just need somebody that can sweep me off my feet, but it isnt enough, time and patience will tell. Part of my believe again.
I want a life, it is not just a life but a life that i want. I want to be happy and be sured, be really sure, be reassured from people around me..does that help to heal me?
smile..smile.....it becomes a constant reminder to me now...maybe i just wish..i just wish, if i smile enough, it will all simply slide.
Before I am closing this blog with a better form of myself, it just feel so good to remind myself of a say..world is a stage with us merely play it and if you are given a script, go tear the script and if you think you life is dull and boring, improvise it. Live your stage, if it is your stage, shine yourself and never live your life cultivated by what others say, be as free as you can be. I am going to be bubbly and perky soon, to be the one that you used to know. Need not worry if you drop by this blog.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Everything is going to be alright=)

Tonight is different. Suddenly felt a bit lonely. But somehow I wasnt that dreadfully to find something to fill up my time, i wasnt that anxious to find something to do. There are so many plans in my mind, about my future...my house, my life..i wasnt plan to fix anything...but just let the time passes me by and glancing at the time and counting down the day.
Ah..it is almost another day moves closer to the end of my life. Everyday counts and you never know when is the last day of your life. Will there be anyone who weep for me when i die?i believe there are.
Suddenly remember a song..but couldnt recall the name. The song started with the verse "I started a joke, which started the whole world crying..". it was a sad song and im glad i never memorize the lyrics =)..time for bed. a new day or just another same old days again?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Bad day

It was a tiring day, exhausted..an unpredictable day...and if I knew i would bump into this kind of chaotic whirl..perhaps..i would use my feeble strength to..change it?I wish i know, but I do not know. There are so many things that I wish I know and yet, I still dont know.

Morning could still consider a shade brighter with the cny visiting to a few frens houses...learnt how to play cards..and even learnt piano from D. But...at the end of the day...happiness were evaporated, replaced by frustration and anxiety..I lost my key, car keys, house keys...a bunch of my daily most usable keys..my head is throbbing and all i need, all I needed...was a moment of being alone, silence and peace. As a matter of fact..I was totally stayed in a brink of numbness. I knew I would figure things out...i know i shouldnt invest so much emotionally..and I know this crappiest day should be fixed!!

The last guts that i took was pressing his number and asked for the spare key that i thought i would never had it back again. 4 years..It had been omost 4 years since i contacted my ex and honestly, it wasnt a pleasant way to greet a "hi" to him again. I am still glad. Not because of him, but for the spare car key that he still kept. Will God find a way for us? i remember people told me before, dont question what He could and could not do for you, but asked yourself what you can do for him and have the TRUST. I do not know anymore. I wish days are just days...but not an unpredictable day.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Just so real and yet unreal...

Real is a logic that I can analyze, I can think of. Something that may not necessarily materialize. It all happens in the head. Often times, what is real is a matter of perception and belief. I may believe in God and find Him to be real while others may reject the idea of His existence. Perhaps there is no universal real, just a temporary, fleeting real. I must agree with the adage that the only thing constant in this world is change. Nothing does last. Even, possibly, the memories we cherish. They may easily fade or change according to us. Of course, we'd like to remember the most pleasant of experiences but sometimes, inevitably, we recall the more unpleasant ones. But we cope, our mind makes use of such defense mechanisms.

everyone ever been in love but is it a real?..I mean, you say you loved your ex, you say you loved. LOVED. But isn't the infinite a quality of love. True love never ends they say. But then why do we use LOVED? In past tense. Why not love now? I find such contradiction and hollowness in that.

Nothing does last. Even the way we view ourselves, our values are more often than not put to test, subject to change. People die, we "fall out of love", money dwindles, food spoils, what, tell me what does last? Maybe feelings do...but I'm inclined to doubt. I may be such a pessimist but I've seen things fade away right before me. Even when a person saying he/she loves you but they never did enough while you are in loved and not even care. Maybe he does care. But not enough. Maybe he does find you wonderful and fun and nice. But not enough. And perhaps, he does like you. But not enough. It's not enough for him to let down his guard, to take a step closer. And knowing with all that was said, that nothing is enough, you should find in that enough reason to slowly let go. That you do deserve someone better. With love along with all its stupidity and beauty, there comes a point where you realize you don't want to listen to sad love songs, or watch drippy movie...I've experience maybe falling for someone and yet wanting it to go away after trials..just because I know hope and optimism will never take me too far. I know, based on experience, that hanging on a thread of hope, wishing that that someone would change for you is all just phase. This, too, shall pass. One day you'll realize that life has passed you by.

Moral of it all? Nothing lasts but maybe while it's there, while in the moment, make it worth every second. We should learn to cherish what we have. Because what we grasp so tighly in our hands today may be open palms tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

obssesive-compulsive

It is an obsessive compulsive state. I meant my mind, thinking, this brain. It never stops working, rewind, forward, skimming every now and then the pictures that I used to see, want to see, things that I want to feel, things that i missed..rerun, re-makes, repeat again and again.

I tried to convince myself it is ok to stop blogging if i do not want to, but after then I realize I missed lots of beautiful feeling, meaningful events that I wish to write them down. I wish I do carry a note book sometimes but yet, when I writing through those perfectly lined of my notebook, I could only scribble the line with some ugly drawing or handwriting..it should be beautiful. The idea, the inspiration.So I ceased and bounce frustratedly.When the day ended...Everything, i keep them inside the depository of my memories.

i missed my brother church wedding. I wasnt feeling great that day on myself. I wasnt look beautiful like I have thought I would . I believe smile is the best beauty remedy but when it wasnt smiling from heart, it doesnt look like a smile but a cry.I remember every pixel of the wedding ceremony, the happiness that they share, the gentle kiss from 2 lips, the elegant bride and lots of cheers...if I would ever feel a little happiness on that day, i would at least enjoy. But what does it mean from a wedding? since when I lost that enthusiasm to start a family, to be loved and to love in return. It was a burden to me. a heavy burden that pressed me and makes me exploded. patch back and waiting to explode again. I guessed it wasnt fit into me.

and now I write without much thought. I thought I would be fine if I write...i thought it is a good practice anyway...but...It doesnt make me feeling fine.cause I am not fine with myself.
Ah...I miss a feeling right now. A feeling of going back home, lying on my bed and knowing that this is the place I could find a peace..and even smile a little unconcious smile...it is always in me that there's a state in between consciousness and unconsciousness. And in that in between, there's obtainable peace. There are perks of losing yourself in your thoughts...perhaps, You should try it some time and by then, you'll realize that you don't have to go too far to find even a bit of solitude.


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Happy chinese new year!

To be honest, I cant feel the chinese new year mood this year neither celebrating it. There are things that I let go in last year to pursue my happiness and what is happiness when you are alone? I dont know. I cant be that courageous like last time that I am not afraid of giving a few attempts again since I am still young. Yes, I do afraid of many things..there are many things that playing in my mind, running through the line of my notepad when I try to write them down.....I cant see what is awaiting me in front but i want to be myself....not try to be the missing puzzle of others that try to live at their life and telling myself this is my responsibility and my future. I never been bad...never been mean..never been an unfaitful soul before, arent me?
Everything happened for a reason, isnt it?
anyway...today had been a tiring and busy days...thanks to my cousin to accompany me for breakfast, buying stuff and prepaing the 77 goodie bag for the wedding guests....and received several calls....
had the reunion dinner at 4pm in the afternoon...and that's it... I felt nothing on this day.
But i do have some resolutions in my mind....but the most important is..I want to be happy and want to be lucky...everyone wans to be lucky..but normally, bad luck always come to me. So hopefully...this year...nothing bad happen.
Happy chinese new year everyone!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

When brenda's coming to town...

(I wan to keep the passion of writing inside me though I am totally worn out at this very moment...but if i ever plan to start the first word..then i would like to make it til the last...)

Apparently this was a rich day today where I woke up by humming a little jolly song on my lips..to welcome the fact that my best fren, brenda will be coming to sibu today. After becoming the coarchpotato at home for a few days without any old frens free to entertain me, finally....finally...out i am from the cage today!! sobsob....
Early morning wasnt good as there was a feeling of forebonding after my dad's mood swing...mum was upset after arguing with my dad over a minor stuff like doing how many cakes for the cny, where is my brother's photostated ic..it is obvious that my dad's eager to find a victim to release his tatrum today...and of coz, i couldnt escape from being stir into the war...but dont worry mum, I am here with you. And so as that, I was so filial to help her in the wet kitchen today baking her cake..while waiting for ah ing's coming.
Brenda aka ing reached around 12pm and it was funny that I went to the wrong terminal to fetch her...the road was cram with lots of anxious souls that coming back to celebrate the cny. But yes, here I come! after fetched her, had a little hug and little giggle..we headed to our kampua destination where I was so silly to order a L size of kampua...i tot it wasnt that big...but it was!it was really big..in fact both of us can share a bowl..but ah....of coz i couldnt cancel the order so we ended up wasting the food...Sorry Dear Father for I have sin....^_^









Brenda with her L size kampua..hehe

After that, we had a walked at parkson and as usual, i didnt manage to find anything for myself there. Our next station was tanahmas hotel and it rained. the downpour multiplied and pouring like mad but luckily, we had our german cheese cake and brewed coffee, sitting besides the mirror window, under the air-cond, I shilvered several times but it was warmth to meet the old fren and spent a nice afternoon with her. Alone.

So we had that chat on the stuff that normally people had when they stranded under the rain in a covered room...we exchanged the stories of our recent life, what had changed and what remains...from the old frens to the new frens in our lives...and also the unrequitted love of ours..it was not we hasnt met for so long but yes, we hasnt met for so long in Sibu town as it had been ages since her last visit to Sibu.
And of coz, to pass the time as there has no sign of rain stop..so we took my cam and had tons of snap shot...it is funny that we made 10 types of funny expression at once..but of coz, i wasnt that good as brenda as she can really have lots of idea to quench the thirst of a cam..=)




When the rain almost subsided, we drove back home and planned to take a nap and went out continue to hunt for some fun at night...but the plan was changed after a while..due to a little of tiredness, and a little fun that we finally found by staying in our room...we concluded that it wasnt good to go out so late at night..So here we have our little destroyer occupying my laptop...I was busy tonight as I suddenly got so many invitation from the old frens asking me out, so i made sure that all the appointments on the later few days will be properly arranged.=)

Not forgetting that we actually took quite a number of our cheeky photo at home before my cam battery run out. Which is personal and confidential...according to Brendoi. Anyway..it was a fun days though not much had been done but it was fun to me as i might continue growing mushroom at home if she wasnt here to rescue me..and maybe, she wont bring any luck to me that i suddenly flooded with numerous of outing invitation....

So here we are in our pyjamas and yes...we love taking photos...!



Sunday, February 3, 2008

A testimonial from Sean

I have come across a very powerful testimonial today and would to share with you all...it is a blessing that we read something really nice from somebody xpecially regarding to God's word coz it is the fate between you and God. Happy reading

Dear God,

It's me. I know we haven't talked in a very long time. I know that I have been very distant over the last many years. I'm not sure exactly when or how we lost touch, but we have. The last time I remember talking was sometime in the late 80's. So much has happen since we last talked. I'm much older now, but not particularly wiser. I have moved faraway, but I haven't come very far. I've thought of you many times over the years, but I have never called. I thought of you when one of my friends was killed in a car accident. I thought I saw you in the crowd at the funeral of a co-worker who lost a 6 year battle with cancer. I started to call you on that terrible day in September back in 2001, but I didn't want to bother you. I looked for you at the cemetery the day I buried my grandmother, but I didn't see you there. I'm sorry that I haven't stayed in touch over the years. I just felt like we had grown apart. I felt like may be I didn't really need you as much I thought. May be it was just that we believed in different things or that I just couldn't relate to you anymore, but we just stopped talking.

Now, here I am. I stand here on the verge of nothing or everything. I thought I had everything, but I've thought that before. I'm 40 years old and I am making the same mistakes I was when I was 14. I like to pretend that I am strong. I like to pretend that I don't need anyone. I like to pretend that I am in control of my own life. I like to pretend that I am strong enough to weather any storm. Yes, I like to pretend, but that is all that it is, pretending. When it comes down to it I have nothing. I am one pay check away from being homeless. The only thing that separates me from the homeless man sleeping in the alley behind the grocery store is time and a little bit of luck. As I sit here tonight depressed and sad over my current situation I wonder what is next. Where is my life going tomorrow? What is in store for me next week? If life is what you make of it then I need to trade in my paints and start over.

Today I spent the day alone. The sea of depression has swallowed me. I am adrift. Today, for the first time in years, I called out your name. I asked you to help me. I asked why does this keeping happening to me. I look around me and I see all the wonderful things that I have, but I'm scared that I may lose it all. It's funny just a couple of months ago I was boasting of how I had everything. Now, I stand on the edge of the abyss. As I look down I see the ground under my feet slowly giving way. God, please help me. Please give me the strength to survive all of this. I once had a very close friend tell me I was God's golden child because no matter what I always come out on top.

I hope that we will stay in touch. I hope that you will come to visit now and then. I promise to listen this time. I promise not to turn away. Most of all, I promise to be a better person. After all, the greatest gift is life and it is just that simple. Either you have it or you don't.

All my best,

Sean

Saturday, February 2, 2008

mum vs cake


Gosh...this is the 3rd blog i posted up today..apparently im boring. Here is the blog about my mummy's cake. I promised to help her bake her cake today but not sure why, i spent lots of time in front of my stupid laptop, loafing around my house, see the similar thing again and again..and finally...my mum baked her cake herself..0 help from me...
but anyway....I did contribute a bit. wrapping the cake with some aluminum paper as the cake is specially made for the guests on my brother's wedding, and then..help taking some pic of my mum and the cake as they did look adorable=)...and most of all...TASTY!!!YUMMY....dont get to try the sample today
as my dad finished it all, relentless!


My blogspot

lepaking in others blog and i do enjoy reading their blog...but again, after closing the tab and glancing back to my page again, it is dull..uninteresting, plain and yes...dull again. It is serious, too many words and too little picture....not the human pictures i meant but the scenery..natural beauty, lacking of some gentleness of the mother earth.
so here,today is the day i take the black background down (which i think it was cool at first) and hopefully i could change the look of my blog spot.=)

Horoscope

It is just the beginning of the year 2008, and i have already immersed in a tense of unpredictabilities and fear of sauntering the rest of the hours, days, weeks...months...
when you know awaiting in front is all the bad prediction from the yearly horoscope,do u still walk forward, take your sword and be killed in the battle...i guess i have no choice of choosing to go back to all the good old years...no matter what will happen and even the vase will hit my head when i pass by, it is already been written. Been expected to be happened. And the more you think bad thing will fall, the more things will happen. what a merciless fact that i am forced to swallow.
What did my horoscope telling me this year?it is scary to know that somebody has written your fate on a book or posted it online and found the giddiness to see you complete their prophecy and yet you never had much chance to twist that little fate of yours. But that is the passion they found in making this prophecy, isn't it?and this is a gift...i discovered that every passion comes with a spark, even a tweeny weeny spark. what is my passion then?ah...im a bit off the ground..
looking back to the things that happen, bad thing, as it always stays in memory for a longer period of time til you finally have chance to change the expected to be unexpected, then you grinned and give a sigh of relief....it doesnt too bad, isnt it?
talk about the horoscope predictor, they had generated a tool to calculate your birthday time, birthday date, the sequence of the stars encompassing the sun orbit or maybe the position of your little body right after you take your first breath on this earth after coming out from your mother's womb. you not even have a chance to give a wink to the nurse, or rub your little beautiful sleepy eyes...give a yawn or say a thank you to your mum....your fate...your life, your future is in definite hold and you are completely out of reign to determine your own fate.....am i too superstitious?=p
but yes, the prophecy does sound absolutely right for me...the right here pertain the meaning that it does make the bad things happen and hoping i could wait, patiently on my good days to fall on me and cheers me up and shine me with the warmest sun bean....so i sit, i stand...i walk and waiting frantically for them...to brighten my days..at least one day in a month?waiting for the arrival of these days had putting me in an obsessive compulsive state that driving me crazy..
my buddy daniel had once told me on a few days before 2007 ended...where he said...he wish both of us could grow more mature this year. Yes, I would solemnly, firmly give him a yes now. I will. gradually i will grow through the bad days. And yet, I have that little tiny voice keep whining in my mind that I longed for that one happy days...at least a days with the truth happiness and not just doing some mundane stuff....but something extraordinary...
i wish my life is perfectly bundle, without loose string or rough edges....i wish to had it under control. But I didnt work too hard to polish, to make it perfect, to construct. Maybe i am over seeing myself that i could master myself, i could control indirectly on other's action,to protect those that dear to me,comforting them and rescued them like a comic book superheroin. But i was wrong...Im only making fuss on myself.
it is foolish i know.but only when you feel so bare and so helpless that you realize how insecure you actually are and your reach has a limit. And when the gravity of this situation hits, you finally know that you can only do this much. And when you confronted with the possibility that somebody close to you slap you on your face then u started to feel so grounded and unguarded. The defeat that makes you more human, make me fazed and shaken to the core...and yet making me feeling more alive, yes...it is about life. And your life....no matter how bad the horoscope is, how many times ppl telling you that "you cant" right in front of your face...it is your life that in your hand and you, the only one hold the right, but not anybody else. The defeat of me....will start from this 2008 but nonetheless, I will be more able and determined.

Friday, February 1, 2008

I miss how things were.

There are mornings wake up and yearn for change.

I try to make it a point to do something different each day.

But all those aside, I'm still bored. Not the bored with nothing to do bored but the kind of bored which is characterized by predictability and routine. Hell, I'm up to my neck with deadlines and commitments, one would question how i could possibly be bored. I dunno, I guess I just feel that I'm missing out on a lot. We have so much time, I mean we ARE temporal beings. Yet it's so ironic that we have so little of it. We have so little at our disposal.

Perhaps we're all so caught up with making a living that we forget we have a life. That we forget that the four corners of an office (or classroom) isn't everything.

My friend asked me what success was. I don't know what it is anymore. Maybe it means making everyday count? Or amassing huge sums of moolah. I don't know. Maybe it's what Dumbledore of Rowling's Harry Potter said, that the happiest man in the world would look into the Mirror of Erised see only himself since it " shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts".

And maybe when I figure out what success is to me, what I really want in life, how live it and get out of this rut, then maybe then I'd find that I don't have to constantly distract myself from reality because reality then would be more than bearable.