Saturday, April 12, 2008

Confession

Quite a intervals that I didnt do my confession. Astrayed from the exact occasion why I dont do my confession anymore...it still seems so vividly clear that I went to that confession with my secondary school classmates that we cycled to a small chapel opposite to my school on that extremely humid afternoon...all the catholic students lined up in front of that small dark confession room and waiting for their turn to make confession...as seem that it is a sacred place to cleanse their sins..I wasnt interested to dig out the fact that i should or should not break this believes ...i wasnt even dare to ask the Question that am i nubile enough to pass the heaven's gate if I keep doing my confession?just like how mum answered my Question when I was a kid that"Who is God?""how do you know there is a God?"...mum said...it is the answer you cannot find, and if u kept thinking of this question, you will go crazy. So I ceased asking for something that happened naturally.Before it was my turn to do my confession, I will prepare a list of sins or wrong doing that I might think of, nobody defines to me what is bad or good...so it is sorely based on my understanding and this understanding changed when I grow up. And for those sins that i was so embarrased to tell Father..I would conclude them at the last verse of the confession script"for these sins and other sins that I cant remember....."..I knew it wasnt honest to do so...but i always came out from the confession room with a big grin and satisfaction..as seems like i am a newly born person and start persuading myself that i were not going to quarrel with my parents, brother and sister ..will not feel jealous when her result was better than mine...will not silently wore my sister's clothes when she was not around...blah blah blah...but when my sister told my mum something i did wrong when I was home after the confession, i went berserk again...
it was a chain...it always was a chain that never break through last time. And now, I broke the chain and replaced it with a straight line that there will be no confession and newly born me along the straight line...everything piles up. But believe me, I do talk to God occasionally when I was alone or before my mind shutting down to hibernate every night..I still made that sign of cross. I still said thank you to God at happy moment and blame God when sadness falls. And now I know what does that means...He still lives in me like a parents..though I never see him before but I knew him from the day I know I am a christian..and though I never confess to Him the sins I have done today or yesterday..but i believe He knows everything. Perhaps oneday, I will make that confession on that similar sunny afternoon again.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sane and Insanity

Things start to go against my will, against what i have hoped and starts making me going insane. It seems like I am just waiting for the bomb to have its clock tickle for the right moment to blast. And this explosion will be inside me, the battle of staying sane or going insane, the thought of remains optimistically slowly tearing down. Since the day I joinned Intel, I had met the best friend of my whole life...I used to think i had one, or 2 or 3 who are in my old frens lists...share lots of memories together, studied on the same school bench and shares lots of dreams...but i finally found my best buddy, the best sister i had in my whole life when i joinned intel.We are like the glue who sticks together most of the times and share the same thought...and slowly, a few of them that show me friendship can be more than that...I feel I was in loved and being cared so much. In the past, I was always the one that care more for people...fight for frens that I thought we are buddy, stands with them no matter right or wrong, there is no common sense or logic in frenship..it is only sisterhood and just because you have been my good friend. And so, I used to be forsaken, used to feel left out, used to be taken for granted...and yet, I thought that is what frens are. A little love or care could definitely making my whole day. But in intel, I met so many of similar them and a few of you that making me realise that friendship can be so comfortable and start feeling that i belong to a group of people who will always stand with me... cheer for me..
and now......i know people comes and people goes....how many have I waved and hugged them good bye now?a few of them...and these "a few" are those that very very dear to me...it is a part of me and those that recorgnise me as part of them..and knowing that almost all will be gone sooner or later...my heart just sink. If God is treating me good by giving me them, then why takes it away now?......who knows how terribly i felt? I had him telling me today..."you know intel is like a honeymoon to me....why?it is because have u and knowing you, and working shouldnt be so happy".......and so...tell me dear buddy of mine, if you have this happiness in ur hand why let it open palm now?..I understand you want to grow and acheive something that makes you feel like you should grow up like a man, so I will and I would try my very best to stop shedding any tears when i start to scribble less and less of our story in my diary....for you and them...I just wish to silently..soberly counting down the remaining days with you guys.
No cry this time...if got, that will be just in my heart.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

When A Child is Born

Never expect that I would blog again,started to blog again, in this day. Today is my birthday, a child is born and this child is 26 years old this year. What can a 26 big gal do?some people might call her auntie or big sister(old sister)..until today, i never realise that I am already this old. It had been so natural to live in my own fantasy, feeling old occasionally but not always, laughing and talking like a never grown up kids...throwing tantrum freely, talk bluntly and maybe, the environment around me doesnt seems to give any awareness for being old...everyone is living like the same age, no matter you are younger or older, as long as you are not the manager level..then we are peers and we are same age!.
what does this day mean to me?honestly...It means so little to me..but i guess it does mean sth to others who care about me. Upon reaching this day, i have seen lots of ppl who cares for me, who really concern, really planning hard to make up the day for me...Millions and millions of time I am throwing myself the question that who am I to be loved like this. Who am I? I never been any good comparing to the others...I never been so good like you guys and I am shame to deserve this. There are many frens, good frens who celebrated my birthday with me for years and everytime, they makes me feel shame on myself, the embarrassment for not being as good as them, as thoughtful as them. How many thanks I need to say?or maybe they never ask for any thanks from me...I am a blessed child of God...it shown this day and no matter how frustrated the life is, how I thk I might be a defect in life,how many times I frown when things go wrong...at least, I do feel that life isnt that bad to have them around. In fact...sailing smooth with their support and encouragement.
Happy birthday to me and friendship forever to all my frens who remember my birthday, who might remember earlier but forget later, who sms and emails me, who happens to know my BD from friendster, who never know it or never had chance to drop by and say hi for years... Thank you for everything that you guys planned and did for me all these years.every second makes me older but it is really worthwhile to have you guys around.