For a second, I was dumbfounded. Searching for words but all I got was null, null and null. I wish I could say something, congrats maybe, render my wrath maybe…but I was submissively abide silently until she said would tell me when she sees me. I heaved a heavy sigh and at last, I continued tapping away my keyboard though my mind was jumbling. I stayed calmly in that ambivalence that I should be happy for her or gloom for her decision. And finally….not too long that I finally decided not to let these volatile mixed emotion keep consuming me and governed my perspective. If I am her good friend as we claim ourselves to be, then it is only “understanding” and “blessing” that a good friend should do, though there is bitterness stems.
Thinking of the fact that most of my close galfrens finally settled down somehow makes me in vexed. I am definitely not a so future driven person that only perfection takes place in life but I like to be in control of my life at least knowing where I am going. A plan, you know what I mean. Perhaps I am really selfish, really selfish little gal that I only think of my future and yes…MY future ALONE.
I wish I have a room to breathe and undo things. Rewind back to the moment when she came into the lab and me and xiao lei shake hand with her and exchanged name. When first time I drove both of them in my car way to steamboat and we yakked and chuck and buck up like we would see each other tomorrow again, in the same lab, and she gave me a kiss on me and xiao lei cheek saying that she loves both of us. I wish God can undo them for me, and if He does. I promised I would be a good Christian daughter again. I would pick up the bible and reading daily blessing that I despise because they are way too hard to understand.
But… nothing undone. Things happened and she will be leaving, soon. I tell myself not to cry, I knew I will be ok if I cry and acquainted to the fact that she is leaving and getting married. But I don’t wish to unleash my emotion right now. Let me stay like this for a moment. I will be ok.
Happy for your marriage and do take care in US.