It is almost my 6 months of pregnancy and I admitted that I had never thought of blog on it, not to mention that i didnt blog on my marriage of being somebody's wife too. and now being somebody's mother. Maybe I feel that this is way too personal, just like I would never tell my husband all the mussy stuff in FB, no offence, but some people are bold enough to say them out loud.
For the first time in these 6 months, I am impelled to blog on this little baby inside that growing each day by days and my journey of being a mother, although I know now is just the beginning. A new clumsy mother to be. A mother who felt guilty because she didn't really enjoy over this whole pregnancy thing, the morning sickness and worn out feeling, at least in the first trimester, who used to doubt whether she could ever love this little baby more than anybody else in this world, including herself, a mother who so often feels like a child herself and wondering how to raise another child on her child-like way. A mother who fret of everything, like being too light on weight that if amniotic water supply is enough for the baby or being too heavy/puffy now that she looks ugly and the husband might start to look at other amoi. And not to mention trivial little tings that never be my concern before, like the sleeping position.. seriously I would jump off the bed in the middle of the night when i found out myself lying flat as some of the forum mentioned it was bad for the baby. And paranoid over all the things i take in, like cafein. I used to drink 3 cups of coffee last time and now it downs to 0...there are so many worries that kicks in and sometimes i would become so vulnerable and over sensitive over the small things like if I would have to carry the big belly to do the house chores myself and started to complain if things unmoved without me telling the husband to do.. they will make me feel like i am the saddest mother in this world..My mum probably would laugh at me now that i havent seen the worst because she wasn't a very lucky pregnant lady before.
out of so many things that i mentioned and never listed above, except from the house chores thing that i knew i would still feeling sad and crying a river over it..i believe I was probably too free to worry on those little stuff as my baby is going to be ok...at least I am not in the worst frame like some of the mother is enduring right now.
I was an avid reader to a blogger but i stopped following ever since i stop blogging myself,but yesterday my friend shows me her post that she was having preeclampsia on her 30 weeks of pregnancy and she might give birth anytime to a wayyyyyyy too premature baby, i was dumbfounded. she is short, tiny, bubbly girl but now she looks so BIG to me. She built herself up like metal, strong and tenacious. Or maybe, there is nothing much you can do when you are in this position but just to learn to be strong.
And this reminded me back to the little hiccup i had in my forth month of pregnancy..the bleeding experience that will put every pregnant lady in gushes. and of coz put me on bed for almost 2 weeks until i finally learnt to embrace everything in, accepted that it wasnt as bad as I have thought. But the feeling of seeing blood flowing down you in first sight and nights when you laid on your bed with nobody else around you but only you and that little lives inside you that you not knowing whether he was still there was somehow..frightening. I remember how many times i ask him to stay with me and sobbing alone in the dark that makes me somehow felt that i do want to be a mother..not matter how much I feel myself wasnt ready before, and how much I hate myself from being fatter and fatter each days goes by...above all these, I wish and pray he could stay with me, more than anything else. But luckily God hears me or maybe He pity that i wasn't strong enough to put me into harder test that He let me go with good news that it was just polyps and to like it or not, i might bleed anytimes again during pregnancy.
and now, I still have that frail confident whether i could be a good mother to him, whether he is going to be healthy physically and mentally which i hope he will be..but one thing I am quite sure is me and husband loves this little baby already.
baby, no matter how much your father sometimes feels that his wife is getting a little bit lunatic, over suspicious at times but we both know that he just doesn't understand because he is a "father", but at least we should thank him for serving your mother like a queen most of the times so your mother doesnt have to walk around and you could listen to some baby music and sleep soundly.
We will see you after 3 months. til then, eat more, sleep more and be a happy baby.